Since my cancer diagnosis I've been low level scared. Wondering if I'm going to die from cancer. It's mentally exhausting, but I started to get used to it, especially when the treatment started. Actively working to rid my body of the cancer felt like progress and because I have a hard time 'just waiting' the doing felt right.

Once the radiation and chemo was done I really just thought I'd have to wait for my surgery consult and that would be that. I didn't know that the tumor was only one part of having cancer. There's also an increased risk of blood clots. This is what landed me in hospital a couple of weeks ago. Blood clots that caused my saddle pulmonary embolism.

The precipitating event for that was filling my bird feeder ... but if you go back a little bit more in time, it may have also been my celebratory trip to the mountains 10 days before that.

And so I sit here wondering what I can and should do. I wanted to want to go to the mountains agin this weekend, but honestly I'm afraid of another syncopal episode. The doctor said I should be fine to go up and just hang out, but that doesn't really take away the fear, and potential trauma response I'd have, to being up there.

I also sit at my desk for work and look out at the empty bird feeder. The birds stop by every once in a while, check to see if there's any food, and then move on. I really want to fill it up, but the last time I did that a couple of blood clots hanging out in my legs decided that they were going to move up to my pulmonary artery and hang out and potentially try to kill me. So yeah, I'm scared to do that too.

Neither of these fears are rational. I know that. But still, I'm scared to do things that I shouldn't be scared to do. This feeling sucks.

I also went to an in person work meeting today. There were many of my peers and colleagues at this meeting. Some of them know I was in the hospital 2 weeks ago, but I'm not really sure who. I've lost control of who knows what. I've lost control of the narrative of my sickness. And if you know me you know that not being in control of these types of things is not something I am comfortable with.

So I was scared to go to that meeting. I was wondering if I'd get looks of pity? Looks of sympathy? I didn't want either. I wondering if people just act as though nothing happened to me if they know? Knowing any of this would have made going to the meeting easier. The not knowing is what makes me scared

The meeting ended up being fine. No looks of pity or sympathy. People just asking in the way that most people ask, "How are you doing". No gravity to the question. No 'knowing'. Just absentmindedly asking because it's the polite thing to do. I appreciated that.

This has been the hardest year of my life, and it seems to keep getting harder. Will I die of cancer? Will I get an ostomy  bag? If I do, will it only be for 6 - 12 months or for the rest of my life? Will I die from a pulmonary embolism? Will I die from some other related issue due to my cancer? How many people know about the PE? About the cancer? Will I be fine and live out my life cancer free once this is all over?

All of the questions lead to distress. Distress is hard. Writing helps. Talking with my friends that I've told about it helps.

It's hard to process all of these things simultaneously. My friends and family give me encouragement. They tell me how good I'm doing, and for the most part I am. I've tried really hard to not focus on the distressing parts of the diagnosis. I keep telling people it doesn't hurt to laugh or smile so I try to do that often. And when I do it I am being honest. I'm honestly smiling. i'm honestly laughing. In many times for the first time in my life.

This doesn't mean I'm not still scared. It doesn't mean I'm not in distress.

So yeah, I'm scared. But I'm also happy and I'm enjoying many things in life I used to take for granted. But the fear is an under current in everything. I work really hard to not be pulled out into the ocean of despair by the potential riptide of this fear. So far it's working. I hope it keeps working. If it doesn't I'll say something.

One thing this entire experience has taught me is that there are people that want to help me. All I have to do is ask. Sometimes that can be the scariest thing of all.