I feel really ungrateful about where I'm at with my cancer, and that feels super weird. I just keep thinking about all the different things that I'm not going to get to do for the rest of this year, because I'll be going through chemo, and it's just really, really hard to deal with right now. 

This weekend is PyOhio and I'm not there. I won't get to go to DjangoCon US in Chicago next month. 

I'm not going to get to go to hockey until January 2027.

Not that I would go to a playoff game at Dodger Stadium, but I don't even have that choice now 

Basically have two weeks of getting to do a whole bunch of stuff. 

Going out, seeing people, those things.

And I'm trying really hard to focus on that. But there's this other part of me that's just so bummed that for four months, I'm basically going to be living like it's COVID all over again. 

Limited interactions with people. Wearing a mask when I go out. 

One of the chemo meds will induce a severe sensitivity to cold. And if I am understanding correctly, that means no ice water.

It means that opening up the refrigerator or freezer and breathing in any of that cold air could induce a little bit of discomfort all the way up to severe pain. 

And I'm not even sure what that means once the temperature starts to go down towards the end of the year. Does that mean that even going outside will hurt to breathe?

Am I going to have to wear a mask basically all the time, even when I'm outside? 

So, yeah, I'm just not feeling a lot of gratitude right now. And that sucks.

Because I really feel like I should. My blood markers for cancer came back as completely absent. The polyp that they took out of me shows no signs of cancer.

Everything indicates that my treatment was successful and that I am cancer-free. 

But to be on the safe side, I have to go through with four months of chemo. And I know I have to.

And I know I should want to. But I just don't. I just want to be normal again. 

Waiting until the end of the year for that is just real hard.