Next Tuesday I meet with the Surgeon for the first time in about 4 months. Holy shit! Four months. During that appointment it seemed like we had caught this early and that I was going to be in good shape. A few weeks later he called to tell me that it was Stage III. All that means is that the cancer had broken through a wall and infected one of my lymph nodes. Still recoverable, but a bit further along than initially thought.

For half of April and almost all of May all I did was focus on the treatment plan put in front of me. Radiation and oral chemo. Twenty-eight days of pretty brutal treatment. A week recovering.

Then the other side effects of cancer started to hit. Blood clots. An emergency thrombectomy. A stay at the ICU. Trying to feel better. Starting to feel better.

And then the fear. And now full realization. I feel better. I'm still afraid. But I feel better. There's this little bit of hope that the surgeon will take a look and say, "Yeah, radiation seems to have killed the tumor. No need for me to get in there." It's a tiny hope. I know it won't be true. I know that I'm going to have to have surgery to remove the tumor. I'm reasonably sure that this will lead to me having an ostomy bag for the rest of my life.

And this hits me pretty hard. I've known that this was a likely outcome since I was diagnosed in February. I've had this cerebral sense of what it will mean. But now it's getting more visceral. It's getting more real. And it's making me sad.

To quote a surgeon I saw speak right after my diagnosis

> In general people like having an anus

Yep doc. Indeed they do. So I'm sad because of what this will mean for me physically. I'm sad what this will mean for me mentally. I'm sad for what this will mean for me emotionally.

I'm told that you adjust, and I'm sure I will. I'm trying to not focus on the negative aspects of what this will mean. I'm trying to stay positive. But fuck it's hard. I've said a few times it doesn't hurt to smile or laugh. It still doesn't, but I'm not smiling as much. I'm not laughing as much. I'm trying, but the weight of what is coming is omnipresent and can feel overwhelming.

I'm not overwhelmed. I have a great support system. Lots of people thinking of me, sending positive vibes, praying. This is helpful and appreciated. But still, this is a mentally challenging week. I'm doing my best. It doesn't mean I'm not afraid of what is coming.