I wrote about some of the fears that I have. There are some that I can control (like filling up my bird feeder) and others that I can't (like what will the surgeon recommend as next steps).

For the ones that I do have agency over I'm attacking them head-on.

On Friday I filled up not one, but two of my bird feeders. Seems small, but when it was done and I didn't feel like I had a Xenomorph trying to break out of my chest. I felt good.

On Saturday Emily helped me add a solar panel to one of our security cameras and install another with a solar panel. I climbed up a ladder and used my drill to mount the camera and solar panels. Again, nothing huge, but being able to get up on a ladder and just feel normal felt good.

Today I summer proofed my back yard, which involved taking 12 cushions for the chairs and moving them into the garage out of the brutal sunlight for the summer. It also involved moving all of the metal chairs and rinsing them, and the matching table, off. Finally I rinsed off my grills. Nothing huge. Nothing earth shattering. But each time I do these things I start to feel a bit more normal.

Finally, I've been going on longer walks. A little more than a mile, walking for about 20+ minutes each time. For each of the last 3 days. When I was done I felt good. A little tired, but a good tired.

The last thing in my control that I need/want to work through is to go up the mountains. I'm still a bit scared to do that. Sitting in a car for about 75 minutes. Being about 1 mile above sea level. Trying to not have a trauma response when I get to my Dad and Nona's house. Emily and I thought about doing that this weekend, but opted out.

Depending on how my surgery consult goes this week I might try a day trip up to the mountains next weekend. We'll see. Feels good to be working through the fear that I can.